Ah, a new day was dawning and so full of promise. Fergo was first on the scene as usual and lo and behold he was a happy man. Whistling and humming the "Hi-Ho-Hi-Ho" song as he prepared the site for the day's events. Why was he happy?  Well the day was sunny, clear, the surf was a happening somewhat and he'd already ensnared a half dozen or so visitors into competing with us. The honorary golden handshake was given and magically we had six new temp members to bulk up the number of competitors and put us older teamsters on edge with a host of young unknown talent to compete against. I think I remember their names. Lets see ... there was Adam, Stu, Pete, Greg, Cam and ummm Huey, Duey and Louie or something like that. Anyway, they all looked like bearded Berbers and all ended up being members of Temp Team Fergo for the day.

After hearty, introductions and greetings all around I had a closer look at our sweet Queen of the Mid North Coast (a nod to Rincon).  Ohh Ooooowahhh ... a dirty, dirty Black Queen she was indeed. The creek had done its usual nasty best to spoil the beauty of our fair Queen. Smudged her mascara it did and it ponged to high heaven to boot. Ah, it's only stained by tea-tree tanin they kept telling me. Hmmm ... does anyone ever consider the fact that all our dirty storm water spills into the creek mixed in with car oil, dog poo, garbage etc etc and the Gods only know what toxins are released when the flood gates are opened. Nah ... its only tea-tree tanin stop whinging!! Must talk to Jess from Surfrider Foundation I reckon. Ooops ... forgot this is a contest report for a minute there. Back to business folks.

Now where was I ... ummm ... oh yeah ... Still, manageable five foot faces marched down the point but for how long was anyone's guess with a predicted north easterly change predicted. The Track looked to be the go as the larger sets swept wide of Surge. Come on, let's get this show on the road quick!! We're still setting up as more teamsters start to arrive. Thirty eight guys and gals all eager to hit it. We're almost there ... and I must say Fergo's team of temp members shoulda been given a boy scout award for the fastest erection of a judge's tent in competition history. Bang it was up !!! And didn't the new tent look good ... well chosen Bob me boy.

Nathan Cook and Herbie also turned up with camera and tripod to record the goings on in and outta the water for posterity. Make sure y'all check his mega pics out following this contest report. And how good is it to see the club throw a bit of reader interest to it's members. I tell ya's, Nathan and I will work hard to make sure it only gets better and better. I've only just recently progressed from writing with crayon on butcher's paper to pen, and still learning how to hold a pen properly, while Nathan has finally stopped blinding himself with the camera flash by having it pointed the wrong way when taking pics but we're slowly getting there folks. Just bear with us.

Heat 1 hits the water and contest on!!! Waiting, waiting, waiting ... well there were waves there when I looked earlier. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Yay ... waves finally and it's a mad scramble to get on. Visitor Pete is up and firing down the line. All eyes turn to Fergo in accusation as "his" temp team member dominates proceedings. Brucey Cunliffe fights back with a solid performance in so-so waves ... Bob "Burgers" Standing takes up the fight against Temp Team Fergo and puts in his usual classic stylish performance ... Go Team Crescent Head !!! Fergo goes for it ... well kinda sorta in his "always the bridesmaid but never the bride"  performance style. Well, hey he is consistent you must admit. The red flag is hoisted and heat 1 is over.

Results for Heat 1

1.  Pete (just visiting)
2.  Bruce Cunliffe
3.  Bob "Burgers" Standing
4.  Roger "Bridesmaid" Ferguson

Fergo's Temp Team members of course will not accumulate points and all in Team Cresso will advance one placing upwards regarding points won.

Woooahh ... hang on a protest is lodged ... suspend those placings amid controversy!!!! Fergo has pulled his bridesmaid's pettycoat over his head and lodged a protest. The protest has been seconded (by what idiot !!!!) and a decision is pending. Fergo claims he has caught at least 38 waves and mis-scored by the biased judging panel. The stewards are in lock-down pending a decision. The crowd awaits with baited breathe ... pooah ... for goodness sake, have any of you guys ever heard of dental hygiene ??? The decision is ... Bullshit Fergo wake up to yourself !!!

Heat 2 finally gets it's turn. I'm looking at who's who ... it's virtually all Temp Team Fergo with a lone Cresso teamster outnumbered but proudly putting on the gloves for the club. Go Maxie !!! It honestly looks like a grand dad and his grand kids in tow as they paddle out. Green flag is up and the waves have improved somewhat. Drat !! ... the temp team are all over us like fleas on a dog. Grrrr .. Sic 'em Max!!! Some nice surfing goes down and Max is snapping at heels in a desperate bid for club honour. In fact, he does us all proud and gets a well deserved place against a team of hot young 'uns. 

Results for Heat 2

1. Rich (just visiting)
2. Cam (just visiting)
3. Max "the Fighter" Lowbe
4. Greg (just visiting)

Hey waddya know !! If the visitors don't count it means Max came 1st and in fact if he only caught one wave and fell off he woulda still won his heat. It's funny how the world turns isn't it. Good for you Max as it woulda been daunting against all those young guns to say the least.

Heat 3 and the waves have improved. Good because it's my heat and I'm looking pretty in pink. A big heat with five riders for me to compete against. In the water we're all sitting there waiting, waiting, waiting for the green flag to go up. Still waiting and getting anxious as we're all aware that Warwick "Wax-Head" Latta is yet to hit the water for our heat. Some very, very nice waves roll through as we wait. Come on ... put the green flag up !!! Warwick casually walks up the point. Again ...come on put the green flag up !!! Finally, Warwick hits the water just as the green flag goes up and straight away picks up the wave of the heat. Disbelief on five faces as he streaks by with a grin a mile wide. Cripes he didn't even have time to get his hair wet ( Hair ?? Well he does have eyebrows you know).

Decent waves just keep a coming and yep, the Track is the place to sit. My strategy was to sit where Warwick sits as the guy could surf the point blindfolded if he wanted to and for all I know he probably has at some stage. Anyway, I caught two good ones and saw the others getting a good share of waves too. Oh well, I tells myself ... I'm here for the fun of it at least.

Thank gosh the waves were half decent because at this stage I'd begun to take further notice of the water quality (this is where I get me soapbox out again). It smelled bad and heaven forbid tasted like it smelt .... oily !!! Oils is oils and it don't belong in the lineup. It was enough to make a dung beetle throw its lunch up and this dung beetle almost did just that. I'd had enough when thankfully the orange flag went up and I decided to take a ride all the way in on a small one. I stepped off at the end of the clubhouse in 1 foot of water and couldn't see me feet. Remember, it's only tea-tree tanin ... yeah right. My mouth tasted like I'd swallowed a litre of Castrol GTX. The old trophy with BBQ sauce went down a treat but almost came back up again.

Results for Heat 3

1.  Warwick "Wax Head" Latta
2.  Danny "Red Baron" McGaw
3.  Adam (just visiting)
4.  Bill "DV8" Sorrell
5.  Stu (just visiting)
6.  Wayne from Gladstone

Apologies Wayne for not knowing your surname but I'll get it next time. Geez I hate it when that happens. Bad form Danny!!

But on the bright side, I get to mark a big "2" in black texta on the polystyrene container of my latest trophy with BBQ sauce. I now have a special trophy shelf in my lounge room with 3 polystyrene trophy containers lined up to show off my sporting prowess to all and sundry. The missus is spewing as the trophy shelf is attracting ants but she loves me and indulges my strange little quirks. True.

Heat 4 and the waves are now on the bumpy side as the wind starts to shift slightly to the east-north east. No Temp Team Fergo to contest this heat ... it's all pure Team Crescent Head in full force. Way to go !!  And what a classic heat it was. All good surfers to make it hotly contested.

Tony Whillock put in a big solid performance with little Marcus Whillock snapping at Dad's heels big-time. Let's talk about Marcus. Man, he caught wave after wave and shredded on his backhand. A real classy performance. For a little guy with no weight on him, he just threw his longboard into backhand turns high on the wave face, his board banked almost full length outta the water on each turn all the way down the line. I was totally impressed and deservedly so. Tony, for your son's sake, just get him on a solid Macca's junk food diet and get some weight on him and he'll continue to do you and this club proud. Anyone who saw his surfing in this round would surely agree. Marcus "Mighty Mouse" Whillock, our club's future. Maybe we can we sign him up for life so he doesn't change clubs? We love you Marcus so don't do it to us fella.

And there he was ... Benard "Coffin Ride" Olde . Stylin' his way on every wave. Coffin rides and switch foot cutbacks a plenty. I swear, he held some of those coffin rides so long, with his head buried in the soup, he came up blue faced and spluttering more often than not. Benard "olde" mate, oxygen deprivation is not really a good thing to persue on a regular basis (just ask Michael Hutchence .. well actually no you can't ask him can you ... sorry). Strangely, as is his want, Benard didn't get near the rocks once in his heat. The man just keeps nailing down the old style tricks proving to one and all that ya don't need to get big, quality waves to get high point scores. I'd love to see him get a big one sometime though. Marcus musta took note of Benard and threw in a few coffin rides of his own. It was coffin ride vs coffin ride there for a while.

How good was it to see Paul "Rocky Balboa" O'Donnell competing with us again. Yep ... everyone's inspirational surfer and all round good guy. Crescent Heads favourite son and so be it. He nailed some nice rides in deteriorating conditions and continues to go from strength to strength.

Andrew Digby gave a brave showing but wave selection defeated his best efforts. Hmmm ... come to think of it, due to the by now horrible conditions, it wasn't so much what wave ya selected as to what wave old Ma Ocean cared to throw your way. She is a fickle one at times isn't she.

Then there was John "Big Hill" Goodall's smoker of a wave down the line. Like my shaper mate BK he's got the bulk of a Russian war memorial and surfs like nothing the ocean could throw at him could knock him down. He ended the ride and unfortunately struggled to get back out again. It was like he was paddling his heart out and was sitting dead in the water. I know the feeling all too well.

As a curious aside, something was bought to my attention regarding one of our semi-esteemed judges. We all looked on in bemusement as Brucey Cunliffe sat there chuckling and mumbling to himself as he judged the heat. He had his invisible friend along for the ride evidently. At the end of the heat he got up looking confused and perplexed as he'd evidently just lost an argument with himself over the point score. Hmmmm ... next comp we're just gonna give Bruce "Mumbles" Cunliffe two score sheets ... one for him and one for his invisible "friend" to go on with.

Results for Heat 4

1.  Tony "Big Daddy" Whillock
2.  Marcus "Mighty Mouse" Whillock
3.  Benard "Coffin Ride" Olde (Yes it is spelled Benard not Bernard)
4.  Paul "Rocky Balboa" O'Donnell
5.  Andrew "Luck of the Draw" Digby
6.  John "Big Hill" Goodall

By now it was pretty horrible out there. Bumpy waves, north easterly wind getting stronger, a few more free surfers competing for waves. Well you know the score as to how the point looks in these conditions.

Time for Heat 5 Old Mal. Another heat stacked in Team Cresso's favour. Four of us vs 1 Temp Team Fergo. Warwick showed the way with some nice rides, displaying talent with a few old time favourite moves thrown in. Bruce "Mumbles" Cunliffe as always put in a solid performance on a clunker of a board. His skill overcoming any shortfalls the board may have had. He's always good to watch on an old mal I reckon. Benard "Coffin Ride" Olde threw down the gauntlet again with more coffin rides and switch foots. Hard to believe he's virtually a novice on a longboard. As I waxed on lyrical during the last contest report, Benards the one to watch in the future as he gains more skills and digs into the archives to find even more obscure tricks to confound us all. I really wanna see him do a Quasimodo or an El Maestro. Don't know what they are ... then go look 'em up Benard me boy (he will too).

Cam from Temp Team Fergo didn't get a look-in. The old guys had him on toast.

Results for Heat 5 Old Mal
   
1.  Warwick "Wax Head" Latta
2.  Bruce "Mumbles" Cunliffe
3.  Benard "Coffin Ride" Olde
4. Cam (just visiting)

By now Ma Ocean had evidently had enough and thrown in the beach towel and gone home. Bumpy inconsistent waves, north easterly wind strong enough to blow a dog off it's chain, murky water and overcast skies. Sounds ominous eh .....

Heat 6 Pre 1985 Retro paddles out for the last heat of the day. It was also the event's only mixed heat ... hodads and gidgets. The gidgets, Sarah Marsden and Sarah Whillock, were to be scored as separate from the guys. The retro had a hodge-podge of different boards ... circa 1972-74 single fins, twinnies and everything else in between. In fact the competitors were a hodge-podge as well from the girls, to young "Mighty Mouse" Marcus, Geoff from Ox-Farm, golden oldie Warwick Latta of the flowing locks to Peter representing Temp Team Fergo.

The Sarah's put on a good solid showing and I'd give them 10 points for ticker for taking some of the waves they did. Young "Mighty Mouse" starred again with a solid performance and left Warwick in his wake picking wax out from under his toe nails. And then things started a happening .......

Past the judges tent walks a local. Wet and shaking like he's got palsy, eyes sticking outta his head like dog's balls and goes "F#CK THAT !!! There's a HUGE shark out there in the line-up !!!! A lifeguard goes screaming past the judge's tent for a better look-see from up on Nobby. Bloody hell ya coulda sold advertising on the side of it's dorsal fin it was that BIG!!! Heat cancelled and get 'em outta the water quick. Shark wins Heat 6.

Just how big was the shark? Some say it was a small one but for the sake of the story IT WAS F#CKEN HUGE !!!! Readers, my motto is "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story." No apologies. I think, by now, you all realise what my writing style is all about. Exaggeration is the icing on the cake I say. So be it.

Results for Heat 6 Pre 1985 Retro Gidgets

1.  Sarah Marsden
2.  Sarah Whillock

Results for Heat 6 Pre 1985 Retro Guys

1.  Marcus "Mighty Mouse" Whillock
2.  Geoff from Ox-Farm (just visiting)
3.  Warwick "Wax Head" Latta
4.  Peter (just visiting)
     
Before I go I must say what an absolute pleasure it was to have those young bearded Berbers from Temp Team Fergo join us for the day. They were real gentleman, both in and out of the water. I'm sure we'll welcome them all back for another day of fun in the sun. Maybe we'll sign them up as permanents next time. Good onya fellas.

That's it ... end of comp ... end of day. Shark wins out and we can all go home. Bruce ends up walking off arguing with his invisible "friend" as to who was gonna drive the car home. Don't know who won the argument though.

 

 

Disclaimer:  The above report is written with a fair amount of writer's licence, i.e. not all the tales in the report are as they seem, not all people in the report are as they have been depicted, not all scenarios are exactly as happened. I leave it up to the reader's common sense to sift out the truth from the false. I write with the motto, "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story," and so be it.

 

The views expressed in this report are those of the author and may not be those of the Crescent Head Malibu Club.